One in Four: Miscarriage to Rainbow
One in Four. Yes, one in four women experience the loss of a child through miscarriage. I am one in four. One of the things I found out during the healing process from my miscarriage was that so many women around me had experienced a loss. For many women, this type of loss is something we just don't talk about. However, I found so much comfort in the friends and family that reached out to me with shared experiences once they heard of my loss. Cab and I lost our baby nearly 10 years ago, and there is almost never a day that goes by that I don't wonder how that baby would have changed our family. While, I'll never know that baby here on earth, I was blessed to be given two more beautiful rainbow babies (rainbow is the term for a baby born after the loss of another). Though my Charlotte and Chandler do not replace the baby we lost, God has used them to help heal the void in my heart.
Today, I am sharing the story and timeline of a dear friend that experienced a loss through miscarriage, too. Lacey and her husband, Todd, were members of our small group for many years. We watched their relationship develop from dating, to engagement, and marriage. We saw their relationship with Christ mature as they grew in their marriage. Here is a timeline written by Lacey, that shares the details of her loss and the joy found in her rainbow.
May 2014: My husband Todd and I had been married just over 2 years. I had completed my Masters degree, as well as my Ed Specialist degree. We knew the time was right to begin trying to start a family.
June 2014: We purchased our first home together and moved in the following month.
August 1, 2014: After only 2 months of trying, I found out I was pregnant! I remember thinking, “Man –that was easy!” I found out the day before Todd’s birthday, and I decided to wrap up a gift to tell him that I was expecting. I went to Walmart and bought a plain white onesie, then I headed to the paint aisle for some good ol’ puff paint. I painted “Happy birthday daddy!” on that little white onesie. I wrapped it up, along with the pregnancy test. I will never forget Todd’s reaction when he opened that gift. That pure, innocent happiness that comes with knowing you’re going to be a parent. We never would have guessed what would happen to that baby who was so wanted and so loved.
October 1, 2014 is a day that I will never, ever forget. This is the day that we found out we lost our precious baby. I will never forget looking at the ultrasound screen and hearing the words, “I’m sorry, but there’s no heartbeat.” How could that be?? We had seen our little baby on that same screen just a month before, and had heard the most beautiful and strong heartbeat that day. They called it a “missed miscarriage”. I called it the most devastating day of my life. October had always been one of my favorite months, and now (I thought) it was forever destined to be a sad month for me.
November 2014: We immediately started trying to get pregnant again. It had happened quickly the first time, so I just knew I’d be pregnant again in no time. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I really should have taken some time to just breathe, and to grieve my loss properly. I became obsessed with getting pregnant again. During my time of loss and the subsequent infertility, I REALLY struggled. I lost friendships. There were days I couldn’t get out of bed because I was in such a deep, dark hole. I couldn’t attend baby showers, opening Facebook and seeing a pregnancy announcement literally tore my heart in two. I even struggled going to Walmart because there were literally babies everywhere! My relationships suffered, as did my marriage. It was a really tough time, and I’m so thankful for my amazing husband who never left my side. I was a hard person to be around for many months, and there were times that I wondered if my marriage would survive the pit I was in.
February 2015: I would be turning 30 at the end of the month. I tried bargaining with God, saying, “Please, just let me be pregnant by my 30th birthday. That’s all I want.” My prayers weren’t answered at that time. We continued trying, and each month that it didn’t happen, my heart took another blow.
July 2015: I began my first round of Clomid (fertility med). We started out with the lowest dosage, and it didn’t work.
August 2015: We started round 2 of Clomid, this time tripling the dosage. Well, the medicine did its job that month for sure. However, I still did not get pregnant (though, I had convinced myself that I was).
September 2015: Round 3 of Clomid began.
October 2015: The medicine did its job again, but my body did not. I was still not pregnant. My doctor told me that he was going to take me off Clomid to give my body a rest for a couple of months. We’d start back up in January/February, try another procedure, and if that didn’t work, I’d be referred to a specialist. In the meantime, I’m having all kinds of tests and procedures done to figure out what is wrong with me and why I can’t get pregnant.
November 2015: Todd and I attend an adoption informational meeting. We knew that we were meant to be parents, and we would make it happen one way or another. We continued praying about the adoption process. At this point, we had been trying to get pregnant for 15 months with no success. I had all but given up. I was angry and frustrated with God. Why couldn’t He just give me the one thing I desired more than anything?
January 2016: We decided to wait a couple more months before beginning Clomid again. I wanted to try to lose the weight I had gained after we lost our first baby.
February 12, 2016 was a Friday. I woke up like any other Friday morning, knowing that I had a busy day ahead with my third graders, including our Valentines party. Todd had already left home to go to the gym, and I started getting ready for work. Something told me to take a pregnancy test. I did, and I saw those words I had been longing to see: PREGNANT. My doctor saw me that morning for blood work, and I found out my due date. Guess which month our sweet rainbow baby would be born? October. The month I knew would have a dark cloud over it for the rest of my life.
God is good. He is faithful and His timing is ALWAYS perfect.
October 14, 2016: Our greatest blessing came into the world. He is a constant reminder of God’s faithfulness.
I won’t lie. There are times that I think of what might have been..what should have been. When I have one car seat in my car, and wonder what life would be like if I had two car seats. During the holidays, I wonder what it would be like with two little ones running around, opening gifts and giggling with excitement. However, I know that God has my little family in His hands. He has never once left me nor forsaken me. He has caught the millions of tears that have rolled down my cheeks. Below is a picture of our rainbow baby taken by the talented Cynthia Fowler.
It is my prayer that in sharing Lacey's story, our readers will find hope. Thank you, Lacey, for sharing the details that will help others in their healing. If you are one of the one in four women that have experienced loss through miscarriage, please know that you are not alone! I encourage you to find a support group in your hometown or online through Facebook. There is no reason to grieve this type of loss alone. The way I see it, nobody really understands this type of loss unless they experience it. Find comfort and peace from those around you that understand where you are.
No matter the story God has written for you, I pray that you come through any storm with a rainbow of promise that only He can offer. Whether that rainbow is a biological child or through adoption, it is my hope and prayer that your life and family is fulfilled with His promises. You are loved and your loss matters. Though your loss will never be forgotten, I pray for healing that He can provide.